


How to Save a Life

by TRIBULATlON



Series: Tsukkiyama Angst [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Emotional Hurt, Haikyuu - Freeform, Hurt, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, I’m so sorry, M/M, Suicide, Suicide Notes, tsukkiyama - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-09
Updated: 2020-12-09
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:15:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,225
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27975670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TRIBULATlON/pseuds/TRIBULATlON
Summary: Yamaguchi doesn’t understand why Tsukki left him.
Relationships: Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Series: Tsukkiyama Angst [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2049720
Comments: 9
Kudos: 38





	How to Save a Life

**Author's Note:**

> i’m so sorry i wrote this 
> 
> trigger warning for suicide, read at your risk
> 
> inspired by the song “how to save a life” by the fray

The only thing that could be heard was the howling of the wind.   
  
The usual creaks and groans of the old house were drowned out, and the gentle sobs coming from the bedroom were too quiet to be heard anyway.   
  
Tsukishima Tadashi.   
  
No, that wasn’t right. He was still Yamaguchi Tadashi. Still himself. He was _supposed_ to be Tsukishima Tadashi, but life had other plans for him. Other plans for Kei, really. And so he would never be Tsukishima Tadashi.   
  
_Yamaguchi had his arms crossed over his chest, shaking a little as he peered down into the ocean. It hadn’t been so cold when they left, but now with the sun setting and the light spray of water from the crashing waves, Tadashi was sure he would get a cold.  
  
Strong arms wrapped around him from behind for a moment before pulling away, a jacket being placed on Yamaguchi’s shoulders. “I told you you should have brought a jacket, Yams.”   
  
A light chuckle came from him and he turned around to face the taller man, looking up with a bright grin on his face. “You didn’t tell me where we were going, so it’s your fault!”  
  
Tsukki just rolled his eyes. “Watch the sunset. I need to get something.”   
  
Yamaguchi nodded, pulling the jacket on completely and zipping it up as he watched the blue sky mix and transform into an array of colors. The spray from the ocean could still be felt, but the cliff they were on was high enough that the waves couldn’t reach all the way up. He wondered silently how Tsukki had found the place.   
  
“Tadashi.”   
  
A little hum came from his mouth as he turned away from the sunset to look at his boyfriend. _  
  
Often he wondered how things could have been different. If he had lost his balance and fell off that cliff into the frigid waters. If he hadn’t turned around to face Tsukishima. Even farther back, if they never became friends. If Tsukki had never saved him from those bullies on that fateful day.   
  
But wonder was all he could do. There was no way to change what had happened.   
  
_“Yeah?” his eyes wandered down to the ground where Tsukki was kneeling, a small box in his hands. Yamaguchi was quiet, opening and closing his mouth like a fish. “I-“  
  
”Yamaguchi Tadashi.” he was interrupted by his own name tumbling out of the blond’s mouth—sort of rushed but still intelligible. Then there was silence for a while. Tadashi took the time to rub his eyes and blink a few times just to make sure what he was seeing was real. _

_It was.  
  
“Ah, shit-“ he was brought out of his thoughts by the gentle curses that slipped from the other’s mouth. “Um..this was all so much easier in my head,” Kei laughed softly, rubbing the back of his head. “Well, I-“  
  
Yamaguchi bit his lip to keep back the little giggles that threatened to escape. Tsukki was never this flustered. He thought it was quite cute.   
  
“I guess what I’m trying to say is...I know I haven’t always been the best person. I can be rude, and brash and arrogant—but I hope you can look past my misdeeds and...and that you will become my husband.” Tsukki nervously fumbled with the box for a moment before popping it open, showing off the ring inside. “Will you marry me?”  
  
Tadashi could feel the tears pricking at his eyes. Normally he would hate that he was so emotional and got worked up over everything, but that didn’t matter right now. What mattered was the man in front of him. _  
  
Maybe if he had rejected Tsukishima. Of course, that wouldn’t change the fact he was gone. But maybe he would still be around as a friend and they wouldn’t have argued all the time. Those arguments are what made them fall apart. It’s what took Tsukki away from him.   
  
_“Yes!” Tadashi practically threw himself at Kei, now feeling the tears pouring freely down his face as he began to sob from happiness. He barely registered the ring being slipped onto his finger as he clung to his boyfriend—his fiancé.  
  
The two stayed like that, crouched together on the ground and hugging tightly for what felt like eternity. In reality, it was only a few minutes before Tsukki helped Yams off the ground.   
  
Yamaguchi was (quite obviously) still crying, but he managed to wipe his tears away and calm down enough to look at his new fiancé properly. It was so hard to believe. He was going to marry the one person he had cared about, the one person he had loved for almost his entire life.   
  
“Tsukki...” he laughed a little, wiping his eyes again. “I—this is so cheesy!” He wrapped his arms around Tsukishima, staring out into the sunset and watching as the colors started fading to black.   
  
“I know,” Kei murmured quietly, absentmindedly running his fingers through the other’s green hair. “I wasn’t sure how else to do it.”   
  
They were both silent after that, standing there quietly until the sun was fully set and the soft glow from the moon reflected off the water below. _  
  
Eventually the storm came to an end. The quiet sobs had turned into wails throughout the night, only ceasing minutes after the final clap of thunder. Morning had come.   
  
Yamaguchi slowly slipped out of bed, standing in the middle of the room for a few minutes. Without Tsukishima, it felt empty. Too big for one person. It was lonely.   
  
Tadashi was lonely.  
  
_”Tsukki, can we talk? Please.”  
  
“About what?”  
  
”You're coming home later every night...I’m worried about you, Tsukki. You never used to stay out so late. You know you can talk to me, right? I’m your best friend. And fiancé. Forever.”_  
  
Forever was a long time, wasn’t it? Did forever matter anymore? Did any of the promises they made matter anymore? The quiet whispers, secrets told under the cover of sheets and blankets. Small kisses shared as they held each other close. The promises of love, faith, promises to stay together forever. Did any of it matter? Did it _ever_ matter?   
  
He had gotten one part right: fiancé. Forever. 

  
They never got married. There was no chance they could get married now. Yamaguchi had hidden the ring from himself long ago—he still knew where it was, yes, but he willed himself not to get it. 

_“I’m fine, Yams. I’ve just been busy, okay?”_

_”Tsuk-“_

_”I said I’m **fine,** Yamaguchi.” The blond stared at him with a slight glare before his eyes softened. “Sorry..I’m just tired. Let’s go to bed, okay?” _

Yamaguchi had forgotten the last time he showered. At least a week—probably more than that, honestly. He spent all his time in bed. Suga or Hinata came by every day with food for him, talked to him for a bit about what was going on in their lives. 

He enjoyed listening to the stories of Suga with Daichi and their daughter they had recently adopted. Tadashi felt a little bad he hadn’t come to meet her yet, but Suga assured him it was fine and what mattered was how he felt. 

  
Hinata always came with stories; stories about whatever stupid thing he had done, stories about their former opponents he had met while traveling for volleyball.

Stories about him and Kageyama. 

That’s what hurt the most. All his friends’ relationships. 

Suga and Daichi had been married before Tsukki proposed, Asahi and Noya had gotten engaged before them too, and now, with Tsukki gone, Hinata and Kageyama have started dating again.

_Tsukishima carefully braided a small section of Yamaguchi’s hair, letting the tiny braid fall back against the shorter male’s face._

_“Tsukki,” Tadashi whined, playing with the braid for a few minutes before undoing it and letting the strands of hair fall in front of him. “No fair. Your hair isn’t long enough to braid.”_

_“All’s fair in love and war.”_

Yamaguchi stood in the shower for an hour, just letting the water pour on him and circle down the drain. He barely had any motivation to do anything; it was a miracle he even got out of bed. Eventually, he scrubbed himself clean and washed his hair. 

He hated how quiet the house was. It left too much room for his thoughts to overwhelm him until he was a crying mess on the floor again. Another hour of his precious time wasted. Time he didn’t have. 

Yams got up eventually, wandering to the closet and opening it slowly. Most of the clothes towards the front were Tsukki’s and he painfully shoved them away, grabbing some clothes from the back of the closet.

_”Tsukki, where are you going?”_

_”Yams.” he was quiet, hand on the doorknob of the front door as he closed his eyes. “I’m sorry, Yams. I’m not the person you want me to be._

_“W-what?” he whispered softly, oh so softly that it was barely audible. He wasn’t sure if Kei had even heard him. His eyes stared at the back of his head, a range of emotions flickering in them as he felt the steady tears fall down his face._

He should have realized. He should have realized before then that Tsukki was slipping away. Why was he so _stupid?_ Surely it had been his fault. There was no reason for him to leave except that Tadashi had screwed up somehow. 

  
But how?

Yamaguchi knew he was stupid. He knew he acted like a baby, he knew he was a handful, he knew he was so much fucking work to take care of but he thought Tsukki was okay with that. He thought Tsukki would accept him for who he was.

Was it the constant anxiety attacks? Crying over almost everything and panicking at just the slightest little mishap. Or was he too annoying for Kei? Surely it was one of those things. Maybe it was just him in general. 

_“Where are you going?”_

_”I don’t know, Yamaguchi. I’m not sure about anything right now except that I need to leave. I need to leave you.”_

_“No, you-you don’t have to do this, Tsukki! We can talk about it! We always talk about it.” He cursed himself internally for the tears that were falling. “Come on, Tsukki-“_

_”No. Stop trying, Yamaguchi. I’m leaving.”_

_”Please! Tsukki, please don’t go! We can fix-“_

_His voice was cut off by the slamming of the door._

The suit in Tadashi’s hands was slightly wrinkled from sitting in the closet for so long. His hands were shaking as he pulled it on, looking at himself in the mirror. This is what he was supposed to look like on their wedding day. Just happier. 

He did his best to smooth out the wrinkles with his hands, frowning a little when he heard the crinkling of paper. Carefully he pulled something out of the pocket of the suit, staring at a letter now in his hands. 

_By the time Yamaguchi had run outside, Tsukishima’s car was down the street and disappearing around the corner. He fell to his knees and let out a loud sob, covering his face with his hands._

Slowly, very carefully, he opened the envelope and pulled out the letter. 

His heart shattered at the first words.

_My Dear Tadashi_

_I don’t know when you will find this letter. It may be within hours of me putting it here, maybe days, maybe even years. Maybe you won’t ever find it._

_There’s no way to explain what I did. I have no excuses, and even if I could come up with any I’m sure they’d be shitty anyway._

_I’m sure you’ve realized this by now but I’m not the same person I was when we were kids. When we were in high school. Even when I proposed. I’ve changed so much and I don’t know how or why and I just can’t stop myself_

_You’ve always meant everything to me. You’re the stars and I’m the moon, Yams. I’m alone until you come and you light up the darkness around me. You’re the reason for everything._

_Except for this. This, this is not your fault. None of what’s happening_ _ right now or what’s going to happen is your fault. I know you will blame yourself for all of this. I know I can’t stop you from blaming yourself. But I want you to know it’s not your fault. _

_ This is my own fault. How? I don’t know. I don’t think I’ll ever know, I don’t think you will ever know. _

_ Deep down I know what I’m going to do isn’t going to benefit either of us. It’s just going to hurt you even more. I hate hurting you. It just seems it’s the only thing I do anymore. No matter what I say, what actions I take, I seem to find you upset or crying or just... _

_ Just empty. You’re so empty now. Even though you say I’m your world and you don’t know what you’d do without me you’re still so fucking empty when I’m around and it hurts. And I know it’s because I‘ve changed. _

_ You tell me how much you love me every day. You tell me how important I am to you. You tell me everything I could ever possibly want to hear but I can’t help but feel like something is missing. _

_ Is it me? Am I doing something wrong? You’ve always been so perfect and it hurts me to write this and to tell you all of this but I’m still fucking doing it because I need to give you some goddamn shitty explanation before I leave. _

_ I think the missing piece is me. I’m here. I’m with you. But am I really even here anymore? I’m not who I used to be. I don’t even know who I’m supposed to be anymore. I don’t know how to go back to that happy kid I used to be. I don’t know how to go back to the rude, arrogant teenager I was in high school. I don’t know how to go back to being the perfect person you’ve always wanted and you’ve always needed. _

_ I’m not the person you need anymore, Yamaguchi. And it pains me to say this but I’m not good for you. You’re amazing. You’re the kindest, sweetest, most amazing person I could have ever had the pleasure to meet. You’re so fucking special. You deserve so much more than I could ever give you. _

_ I know you’re going to be upset. Hell, this letter will probably make you even more upset when you read it. I know you’re going to spend the rest of your days crying and beating yourself up when I’m gone. I know I’m not going to be able to stop you. Because I won’t be there. _

_ I’m not sure how I’m supposed to end this letter. I don’t even know if you managed to get this far down. Hell, you might not ever find this letter. _

_ I guess what I want to say is that I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry. I love you forever. _

Tears poured down Yamaguchi’s face and fell onto the paper. He didn’t even notice he was crying until he saw the wet spots appear on the letter. He tossed the paper aside and fell down to his knees, grabbing his hair and sobbing. 

What had he done to deserve this?

_It took Yamaguchi a while to calm down before he even had the thought of mind to follow Tsukki. But how was he supposed to follow him if he didn’t know where he was going?_

_He racked his brain for ideas as he climbed into his car._

_The cliff._

The envelope was still in his hands and he slowly turned it over, reaching inside and taking out the other thing that was inside. Tsukki’s ring. His hands shook violently as he set it down, going to rummage through his dresser before pulling out his own ring. 

He placed a piece of paper on top of the dresser, putting the two rings on top before he left.  
  
A pocket knife sat in the pocket of his suit.

_The sun was setting by the time Tadashi reached the cliff. He got a tinge of hope when he saw his fiancé’s car. “Tsukki?” he called out as he climbed out of his car, peering inside Kei’s before running up the hill that led to the cliff._

_No one was there.  
  
There was nothing there. _

_He was so frightened at this point, looking around wildly for anything. His eyes caught sight of something carved into a tree._

**KT**

**96-19**  
  
_Yamaguchi stared at the letters and numbers carved into the bark, slowly stepping forward to make sure he was looking at it right._

_He had only one explanation for the meaning of the carving: Kei Tsukishima. 1996-2019.  
  
Even before he had seen the characters carved into the tree, he knew what Tsukki had done. He knew the love of his life was gone but this—this made realization hit as he finally grasped the weight of the situation.  
  
Before he broke down, he managed to send a short text to Suga before falling down to his knees. _  
  
One year ago today, Tsukishima Kei jumped from the cliff where he had proposed. One year ago today, Yamaguchi lost everything important to him.   
  
The trip to the cliff seemed agonizingly slow. Time seemed to just drag by as Yamaguchi drove to the spot he told himself he would never go again. He swore he wouldn’t ever come back here yet here he was now, walking up the hill and looking out towards the ocean where the best moment of his life had taken place.  
  
Where the worst moment of his life took place.   
  
_Suga found Yams a sobbing mess on the ground. He was clinging to the tree like it was a lifeline and screaming. Screaming and sobbing and wailing and just in so much pain.  
  
“He’s gone!” a strangled cry came out as he looked up at Suga, still sobbing violently. “He-“ _

_No other words managed to get out before they were caught in a string of sobs._  
  
The cliff was the same as he remembered it. Quiet, peaceful. The carving still in the tree. The waves crashing against the rocks in what would’ve been a calming manner but it only served to bring back memories Tadashi wanted to forget. Memories he had pushed so far back in his mind.   
  
The tree. Yamaguchi went to it and stood there for what seemed like forever. He stared at what had been carved into there one year ago, tracing the letters and numbers with his fingers before he added his own mark below the original ones.  
  
**KT  
96-19  
  
+**

**TY  
96-20**  
  
The knife fell to the ground then, clattering against a rock before it stilled and stayed silent. Yamaguchi walked forward and stood on the cliff, the same spot he had stood those years ago when Tsukki had proposed.  
  
_”What would you do if I died, Tadashi?”_  
  
Yamaguchi closed his eyes, tilting his head up to the sky. The sun was almost set and he could feel the cold breeze of the night on his face.  
  
_”I would kill myself.”_  
  
He jumped.   
  


**Author's Note:**

> i have ideas for 3 sequels already


End file.
